The Journey of a Clown, Day 43, The relationship to my mother pt3

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This blog is a continuation from the following posts:

https://thejourneyofaclownwithoutasmiletolife.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/the-journey-of-a-clown-day-41-my-relationship-to-my-mother/

https://thejourneyofaclownwithoutasmiletolife.wordpress.com/2014/11/29/the-journey-of-a-clown-day-42-the-relationship-to-my-mother-pt2/

Another event that took place in relation to this… “awareness”, was a particular event in relation to the… you could essentially say the “discovery of my sexuality”, and this was the day that I got to know masturbation, which was something that happened much later in my life from that first event when I was taking a bath with my mother and my sister.

It´s, fascinating to see how I grew up into this idea in which my relationship with boys and girls will change so dramatically, in terms that I would be now in my way/my path of becoming a “male”, I mean, I can´t deny that I actually remain quite curious about the “private areas” of the women. And it´s also interesting when you see it in terms of the experience of “shame” that manifests when one grows into religious contexts, like it was within my house and my mother being “my introduction into religion…” (metaphorically speaking)

I say “introduction to religion” because it was from that event, that the very experience “shame” would become “possible”, I mean in terms of how it fits into the entire speech of religions in relation to sex and sexuality, and specially “masturbation”, and I mean, I don´t pretend to blame my mother, she only did what she believed that was the best for me (even when I can´t see or understand how a religion is supposed to assist and support you but… anyway) and at the same time, it was exactly the same that she grew up learning.

So…getting to the issue:

When I had my first contact with masturbation I had around of 9-10 years old. I was on the classroom and I was writing in my bench a few exercises that the teacher left us, and… I am not sure of how I move myself that my pants began to rub my pelvic area and so as I was experiencing that rubbing.

I began to experience like a form of comfort and a form of energy as pleasure and enjoyment for that movement that I was doing, and so I began to just move myself while I was in my bench, and so I keep doing that for a while till I ejaculate, and I mean, I didn´t knew what was what I did, I simply knew that it happened while doing that movement on the bench,and I found the experience to be so unexpectedly sublime that, I mean, I couldn´t relate anything bad to it yet…

And so at the next day I did it again, and the next day and the next day. It became like something that I would do everytime that I were in my bench, and here also it´s important to understand that I didn´t had an association of pictures or words to it; it was something very natural for me, and I mean, it´s interesting that the blame would only present once that I associated this experience towards the picture of “women”, which was also later on in my life… but I would get to that later.

I only experienced something similar one time; now understand that this event was before I got to know masturbation but was at the same time “after the experience with my mother in the shower” so in this particular experience I had around 6 years… I canpt remember quite well but anyway.

One day in which my cousin and I were playing together, and, I mean, we grew together seeing us naked when we used to take baths together or play together, so we didn´t had like “shame of being naked in front of each other” and so one day, we were playing on my room, and my cousin asked me if I knew what it means to “make love”, I answered that I didn´t and she told me that she wanted to play to that, so we went to a room in my house, and I remember that we even leave the door of the room open… so, we actually didn´t believed or thinked that we were doing something “bad” you know?

She first told me to kiss her, and she would show me how to do it, lol, and it´s funny because I would ask her “where did you learn this?” and she told me “from a movie”, lol.

So, we were kissing each other and in that kiss, I was able to feel her lips and her tongue rubbing my lips and my tongue; I had a weird sensation within myself, like such a comfort of sharing myself physically as we were kissing each other, and then she told me that I had to pull down my pants and I had to “place it” in her legs, so I did it, but, LOL what we didn´t knew is that we were supposed to “make contact between the penis and the vagina…”, LOL, so it was actually more like me being in front of her in some sort of a hug while being naked

I told her that I didn´t care about “make love”, that what I preferred was to kiss her, and I mean, we only were “playing” it was something fun, because we didn´t had to hide or to “take it personally” in any way whatsoever because it was just “free”, and understand that by free I mean that there was no attachments to it, from the perspective that it was fun, but not something “important”, and that is the most similar experience that I had with my first experience of masturbation, because what I can remember of masturbation and the orgasm was that for me it was like simply the moment in which I was like at one point of getting to know our bodies.

Now, we didn´t saw that my mother was actually seeing everything, and later on, that same day, my parents had a conversation with me, and they told me that again: “I shouldn´t do this things, that I should respect my cousin” and for me this was quite strange you know? Because I didn´t understood where was the point in which we were apparently doing something “bad or disrespectful with each other”, and well, from there the parents of my cousin also spoke with her, and from that day… we never shared ourselves again, and by this I mean not only physically of course but intimately, in terms that, you know, the things that we would usually share with each other like conversations and so on, because now “it would become “things of girls” that only were able to be shared between girls”, and obviously  we never took baths together ever again.

I mean, I can understand if you feel this to be “weird or something”, but I mean, maybe you should ask yourself: “Why is it normal for you to experience this “weirdness” that apparently makes you “distinguish” what is “good from what is bad”, LOL and I mean, of course with this I am not saying: “you know what? Fuck everything, let´s go and have sex with our cousins and so on” No… what I mean is that, maybe we should understand how is it that “we learn” such concepts as “good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative”.

In the next post I will continue with how and why this was relevant in my life in my relationships and interactions with women.

Till the next joke

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The Journey of a Clown, Day 42, The Relationship to my Mother pt2

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Ok, so, I am continuing from my last post:

https://thejourneyofaclownwithoutasmiletolife.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/the-journey-of-a-clown-day-41-my-relationship-to-my-mother/

Now, this “awareness” that I am speaking about from my last post, actually came gradually with a series of events that I will be sharing here, very personal events that took place in my life, and I somehow feel quite confident to share them, cause, you know, maybe it will be helpful for someone, but anyway…

After that moment where my mother slapped me and said: “never touch there again”, it came a particular point of relationship with my sister and some cousins that used to come to play with us; we grew together sharing many things, like the baths for example, some times they would stay to sleep in our house, and in the morning we will take a bath all together. Of course, and remember, I didn´t had any idea towards the body of my cousins or my sister in any way whatsoever, I actually just saw another human being, and I am pretty much aware of those days, the picture and the experience was only of having fun together, so if you have any experience or idea about what I am speaking here, understand, you are seeing yourself, not me, your ideas, not mine.

And yes, we actually sometimes will explore each other bodies, but again, without having a particular experience towards it, and nevertheless, from that experience with my mother, something would happen, and hat is that I will stop to taking baths with my sister or my cousins for example, it began the “separation” between males and females, and that was quite a hit in my life, so to speak, because in a family where you have two sisters, your mother and your father that you almost never see, I felt kinda lonely, because most of the things that I used to do with my sisters, now will become “things of girls” you know?, and there were little “things of boys” that I could do alone by myself, one of them, was that I would watch my favorite books of animals and some documentaries that I would watch like a 100 hundred times, also about animals, and some cartoons…, in those moments sometimes I will be with my sister and my cousins, because it was like “more acceptable to watch movies together”, but not to play with them, as much of the things that they did, was again (and excuse my redundancy) “things of girls”.

Now, I insist, I don´t say that boys and girls shouldn´t have their particular development as “boys or girls”, nevertheless, something that I consider quite significant, is the fact that, with this so called “awareness of my sexuality” it also came the moral and ethical dynamics of behaving like a “boy with the girls”, which was in way like: “making of the people that I firstly saw as equals” inferior…, and by inferior I mean that, now I will have to be the though guy and that kind of things, yet, I pretty much remember when my parents would tell me that I had to “protect my sister and my cousins”, and when it came to the moments where they would actually want me to protect them, I was like, actually scared of “having to fight” with other guys, and of course… its interesting, now I remember an event that took place, in which  this situation was taking place in that a boy was like being nasty with my cousins and my sisters, they would then come with me and ask me to defend them, but once that I went with that child, he punched me and I began to cry, then I went away and I told them “never ask me to do such things again, I can´t protect you!”. lol, the tears want to come out…, anyway.

LOL, its fascintating, now I can see why is it that throughout my life I always felt so weak, just from this moment, and I would actually see myself as “less than a male”, you know, this is the kind of things that lead me throughout my life to try to “create myself” as the guy that I am now, in which I tried to become strong, and adapt the picture of myself to that of a though guy…, the aspirations and ideals of what we apparently want to become, whether we are males or females, comes from things like this, and everything because of this apparent need of preserving such cultural values of having to apparently making the males to be tough and strong and fight and protect and what not… and yeah…, maybe I am acting like a Clown now, I don´t know, maybe at the end this is just another joke, or you know, it WILL BECOME A JOKE, once that I can find the sense on it, and can laugh about it, but that is a process, as I said quite some time ago, making jokes is not as easy as it seems.

I will write forgiveness over this point in my next post.

till the next joke

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The Journey of a Clown, Day 41, My Relationship to my Mother…

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It has been a long time since the last time that I wrote here…, and I apologize about that, I was a little bit lost, so to speak, not a good joke from those that you would accept from yourself…but any way…

The reason why I decided to write today is because an awesome blog brought one memory from my childhood that I regarded as “very private”, nevertheless, I believed that is really interesting to use the word “intimate and private” to justify why we as humanity have secluded ourselves…you know? What is that which we are affraid of telling to the people?

Is like when you make a bad joke you know? after that nothing is the same, because you believe that no one will ever like your jokes again, but is interesting that when you tell them to yourself, you actually laugh a lot, and you like wonder within yourself why I don´t tell them to other people? But you know, you kind of remember “Oh…sure…it´s because no one will like my jokes”, you know what I mean?

So, I was reading this awesome blog, (http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.mx/2014/11/day-62-trust-in-parent-part-1.html), and this memory came up from my mind…, Oh god…, this was so…let´s call it deep…cause its like one of those memories that you kind of believe that is “normal” you know, in terms of believing that is normal when your parents slap you or hit you for doing something wrong, and you grow up actually believing that what you did was wrong…, until you accept it, and you return to this particular memory in the future and you think “well yes, it was normal because it´s wrong to do this things” you know what I mean?

So, to understand what I am about to write I suggest you to first read the blog that I am talking about, otherwise there will only be conflict…

When I was a child, my mother always used to take my sister and me with her in the bath and she would shower us together and of course sometimes she would take us to the bath with her. We never had a problem with that, until one day that I was actually curious about the body of my mother, in terms of seeing the difference between her body and mine I touched her body in her genitals simply in an act of “exploration” if you will, but she took that very personally and actually slapped me for doing it, and then she told me “never touch there again

I mean…., this is a significant memory you know, because is of those small/few remembrances that I have from my childhood, but I suspect that it somehow influenced my relationship to women…in terms that, from there, it turn into a particular “morality” around women you know? as I would begin from there to create some sort of…”diligence” if you will…, and I say this because, I mean, my relationship to women will change dramatically, in terms of…I will no longer play with them as I used to do, the things changed pretty much, you know…I used to behave with the girls as “equals”, and from there, an apparent “awareness” in relation to realizing “ok, I am a boy and they are girls” came in, but I suspect that this was more actually a “social conditioning, in terms of infusing a moral system that would change actually the way I look women”

Because the issues of boys and girls would separate, and I am not saying that the processes of boys and girls shouldn´t be understood in the particular development that each one has, nevertheless, I see this “separation” between boys and girls, as the main issue that has created in this world the “Battle of Sex Mentality” type of thing. And I could actually relate this to some issues in relation to abusive relationships of dominance and conflict. But I will explain that in the next blog…

Till the next joke…

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