Yesterday I was swimming a little bit, and while I was swimming I was noticing that I had some pictures in my mind of the girl that I saw on the school to which I felt very attracted, only by her appearance, I mean, I don´t really know who she is, in terms of really getting to know her, she is a complete stranger to me, but anyway, while I was swimming and I was thinking on this girl I was trying to place in front of me all the definitions and ideas that make me felt the inner experience of “being in love”, the first thing that I could notice, is that I defined the value of that girl in relation to her appearance, I mean in terms of “how I see her” she is just a beautiful picture in my mind.
I as a clown, present pictures to the people to make them laugh, everything of me is just a picture, and one can feel love for a picture, or feel attracted towards a picture, the question is: How much of this love is real? the love that I experience towards this girl is only but a picture, no different to the experience that one can feel or create towards anything or anyone in this world. But my intention here, is to bring a point that I was realizing in terms of all of this love dimensions, because I mean, this is only the first part of a series of blogs that I will be doing with regards to all the aspects of ones life.
Sometimes I desire sex, and I can create a picture in my mind of how I could like it, how to move, I mean, I can do that picture as special as I want, and I can also place someone special within my mind to give “more power to this picture”; and recently I was with a girl and we were about to have sex, while I was hugging her, I noticed something, I was creating the experience within the hug that I was giving her, and I simply stopped, I mean, I didn’t had sex with her, the same with a kiss, the experience has to be generated.
Now, here’s something personal that will make you laugh a little bit.
I have not had sex in two years, since my last relationship, each day I had the same experience towards the same person, then I changed it for other pictures in my mind, and at the end, I couldn’t have sex, what I saw quite fascinating is that, it was not about the girl at all, it was about me, because it doesn’t matter what kind of situation, or person, everything was exactly the same, the inner experience of “something is wrong”, something is missing, and I have believed in my life that I required love, that what was missing was a feeling, but nothing of this feeling was outside of myself, everything was within me and I was generating it.
They say that the biggest sin is when one deceives oneself, I totally agree with that, and I mean, how much of this love do I live towards the people in this world that is suffering in wars, poverty, famine? Throughout my entire life, I have lived to entertain people, to please people, with my acts, jokes, gifts, that is my work, I am a Clown…but what is fascinating is that, it is no different to go to the bathroom and wipe ones ass without having shit, I mean, is just an illusion, I am serious, we always try to get into roles and personalities to get the attention of the lady that we like, but, it is not sustainable, sooner or later the illusion collapse, why? because apparently, the love is something that comes from the people, but it is not truth in anyway whatsoever, it comes from oneself.
And what is interesting is the following, the reason why it is so meaningless, its because when we realize how we have been deceiving ourselves, we see that that love is only self interest, I placed my entire self into a picture, I lived that picture of love and I projected it to the world, but nothing changed, everything was exactly the same every time, I see parents in the street placing all their faith and trust in their children to try to make their love more real, but not even that means anything, because when the child grows, it makes exactly no difference to when the parent had the opportunity to do something about this world, the sins of the fathers I say.
I will continue later, till the next joke…