Ok, so, I am continuing from my last post:
The Journey of a Clown, Day 41, My Relationship to my Mother…
Now, this “awareness” that I am speaking about from my last post, actually came gradually with a series of events that I will be sharing here, very personal events that took place in my life, and I somehow feel quite confident to share them, cause, you know, maybe it will be helpful for someone, but anyway…
After that moment where my mother slapped me and said: “never touch there again”, it came a particular point of relationship with my sister and some cousins that used to come to play with us; we grew together sharing many things, like the baths for example, some times they would stay to sleep in our house, and in the morning we will take a bath all together. Of course, and remember, I didn´t had any idea towards the body of my cousins or my sister in any way whatsoever, I actually just saw another human being, and I am pretty much aware of those days, the picture and the experience was only of having fun together, so if you have any experience or idea about what I am speaking here, understand, you are seeing yourself, not me, your ideas, not mine.
And yes, we actually sometimes will explore each other bodies, but again, without having a particular experience towards it, and nevertheless, from that experience with my mother, something would happen, and hat is that I will stop to taking baths with my sister or my cousins for example, it began the “separation” between males and females, and that was quite a hit in my life, so to speak, because in a family where you have two sisters, your mother and your father that you almost never see, I felt kinda lonely, because most of the things that I used to do with my sisters, now will become “things of girls” you know?, and there were little “things of boys” that I could do alone by myself, one of them, was that I would watch my favorite books of animals and some documentaries that I would watch like a 100 hundred times, also about animals, and some cartoons…, in those moments sometimes I will be with my sister and my cousins, because it was like “more acceptable to watch movies together”, but not to play with them, as much of the things that they did, was again (and excuse my redundancy) “things of girls”.
Now, I insist, I don´t say that boys and girls shouldn´t have their particular development as “boys or girls”, nevertheless, something that I consider quite significant, is the fact that, with this so called “awareness of my sexuality” it also came the moral and ethical dynamics of behaving like a “boy with the girls”, which was in way like: “making of the people that I firstly saw as equals” inferior…, and by inferior I mean that, now I will have to be the though guy and that kind of things, yet, I pretty much remember when my parents would tell me that I had to “protect my sister and my cousins”, and when it came to the moments where they would actually want me to protect them, I was like, actually scared of “having to fight” with other guys, and of course… its interesting, now I remember an event that took place, in which this situation was taking place in that a boy was like being nasty with my cousins and my sisters, they would then come with me and ask me to defend them, but once that I went with that child, he punched me and I began to cry, then I went away and I told them “never ask me to do such things again, I can´t protect you!”. lol, the tears want to come out…, anyway.
LOL, its fascintating, now I can see why is it that throughout my life I always felt so weak, just from this moment, and I would actually see myself as “less than a male”, you know, this is the kind of things that lead me throughout my life to try to “create myself” as the guy that I am now, in which I tried to become strong, and adapt the picture of myself to that of a though guy…, the aspirations and ideals of what we apparently want to become, whether we are males or females, comes from things like this, and everything because of this apparent need of preserving such cultural values of having to apparently making the males to be tough and strong and fight and protect and what not… and yeah…, maybe I am acting like a Clown now, I don´t know, maybe at the end this is just another joke, or you know, it WILL BECOME A JOKE, once that I can find the sense on it, and can laugh about it, but that is a process, as I said quite some time ago, making jokes is not as easy as it seems.
I will write forgiveness over this point in my next post.
till the next joke
The Journey of a Clown to Life 