I am going to walk here the dimensions of the word love and the assumptions that I have created of the word “Love”, and how it is that I have been living it, and then I will proceed with the application of forgiveness over the assumption, the definition and I will redefine the word to live it as a true expression of life.
Today I asked to a girl if she would like to be my girlfriend, and obviously the answer was no, because I actually don´t know her, therefore it was obvious that the answer was going to be no, I mean, I would be scared if she answered yes, because it would be like “fuck”, now what the heck am I going to do? lol. But being honest, I didn’t thought about it when I did it, I was just like, immerse in the energetic emotional reaction when telling to this girl that I was attracted to her and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I mean, I already knew that the answer was going to be no, but, you know, when you are a clown, you have your smile in the face, painted for everyone to see it, you try to smile as much as you can, but you always know within yourself that is fake.
What I mean bu this, is that I had a reaction towards her answer, the sensation is quite well known by everyone, the sensation of not being good enough, and I begun to think about it, and I also tried to create like this perception of superiority within me to elevate my ego, you know, is like when you go to the bathroom and you say to yourself, “but look at this, I mean, I am a great clown and I look so nice and so cool with these clothes and the makeup and whatever…”, and what I was trying to understand is, why is it that I have become so obsessed for getting a relationship? why is it that I am thinking all the time about it and I mean, if I am really aware that the thoughts are not real and that it is only program, why is it that I am following them when I think about getting a relationship?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own thoughts in fear, when I experience the desire of getting a relationship, because when I experience the desire as the thoughts in my mind, is like I begin to move as quickly as possible to get sure of not loosing the energetic charge, therefore I see that when I asked this girl I was actually reacting in far to the experience of desire, fear of loosing the energetic experience within me, that I wanted to intensify and control, through controlling the relationship and the experience within me “apparently”, not realizing that I was already controlled by my own desire, and within that I see that love is actually fear, love is the disguise of fear
I guess that the first relationship with the word love comes from my relationship towards my mother, as that was my first relationship with another human being and she was the first person with who I used and related that word.
Therefore I learned that word and I didn’t understood what it meant in the beginning, and the way that I established my relationship towards my mother that comes from the very definition that I placed in such words, because it is through the definition of the word that I established a relationship with my mother, for example: I love my mother.
What is interesting and that I didn’t consider before is the fact that every action that I did towards my mother and every action that she did towards me, became part of the definition of the word love, and how I established my relationships towards other people come also from the acceptance of such definition within myself and how I project it into the world.
My first assumption of the word love: What I am experiencing with only pronouncing the word love, is a positive energy within my stomach, and with that comes the idea that the word is something that is good, because it makes me feel that way, it makes me feel good.
I have multiple pictures of persons that I met in my life, the definitions that I have placed over such relationships, the total definition of the word love, and it is inevitable to also remember the conflicts and the mistakes that I made or the things for which I blame those people, and it is inevitable to think that the relationships of all of this definitions of hate, or blame, or anger, also comes from the definition of the word love, because I have expected from others, such manifestation as that definition and when I don’t have it, I create this multiple manifestations of hate, anger, blame, sadness and so on, then the very existence of love is dependent of an emotion that sustains such construct, which is the emotion of fear, I mean, that is where the fear of loosing relationships manifest.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of loosing relationships is actually fear of loosing the energetic emotional charge, and the creation of other experiences is the justification that I placed to not stop the energetic emotional experience, because it is really quite absurd when one allows oneself to hear the justifications that one say to oneself, it is like: “what the fuck am I saying?” I mean it is really unnecessary to make a drama around of a situation that is quite absurd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask to this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend so that I were able to have the energetic emotional experience within me of love
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I love you to my mother so that I were able to maintain her happy with me, because that is what she wanted to hear from me and I had to say it back to her to maintain her happy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word love, because I knew that I were able to manipulate the people with such word, because I knew that it means something special in the mind of the people and then I did is that I tried to manipulate the symbol within my ind, and the mind of others so that I were able to get the energetic emotional charge as the thoughts of what I want, need and desire
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I don´t have any value if someone don´t love me or appreciate me, and that apparently I require of someone to love me and to appreciate me, to be able to love myself and to appreciate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to love me and to appreciate me, so that I am able to ove and appreciate myself because now apparently “I worth something”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a relationship because by having a relationship apparently now I own something and I have something that is of value and worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go into a relationship to have control of the energetic experience within me that I apparently am able to own by owning a relationship or owning someone that allows me to have and experience the energy that I want.
Love is energy, and that energy is the same energy that my mother needed and required to be able to fulfill her personality of being a mother, because apparently, when her personality was not supported, she stopped being a good mother and I was a “bad son” and you know, there is no practical movement of that experience of love, only the sustaining of personalities, and this is amazing in regards to the point of relationships, because as I said, I remember the things that I did wrong or where is it that “I fucked it up”, because it is through such memories and relationships that I begun to form and mold the way in which I would talk with the people and approach the people, everything to have that point of desire fulfilled, and you know, manipulation – control, I justified my participation in such bullshit to have my fucking relationship experience.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear to make the same mistakes that I did on previous relationships because I have wanted to manipulate the result and the outcome of new relationships through creating this point of fear to apparently prevent myself of making the same mistakes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by using fear I was going to protect myself from doing the same mistakes, because I didn’t really saw the person, I was just looking for my energetic experience of love and so on, and therefore what happened was that I disregard completely the other being by thinking that they are exactly the same in every way.
I will continue on the same blog
Till the next joke…