The Journey of a Clown, Day 41, My Relationship to my Mother…

It has been a long time since the last time that I wrote here…, and I apologize about that, I was a little bit lost, so to speak, not a good joke from those that you would accept from yourself…but any way…

The reason why I decided to write today is because an awesome blog brought one memory from my childhood that I regarded as “very private”, nevertheless, I believed that is really interesting to use the word “intimate and private” to justify why we as humanity have secluded ourselves…you know? What is that which we are affraid of telling to the people?

Is like when you make a bad joke you know? after that nothing is the same, because you believe that no one will ever like your jokes again, but is interesting that when you tell them to yourself, you actually laugh a lot, and you like wonder within yourself why I don´t tell them to other people? But you know, you kind of remember “Oh…sure…it´s because no one will like my jokes”, you know what I mean?

So, I was reading this awesome blog, (http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.mx/2014/11/day-62-trust-in-parent-part-1.html), and this memory came up from my mind…, Oh god…, this was so…let´s call it deep…cause its like one of those memories that you kind of believe that is “normal” you know, in terms of believing that is normal when your parents slap you or hit you for doing something wrong, and you grow up actually believing that what you did was wrong…, until you accept it, and you return to this particular memory in the future and you think “well yes, it was normal because it´s wrong to do this things” you know what I mean?

So, to understand what I am about to write I suggest you to first read the blog that I am talking about, otherwise there will only be conflict…

“When I was a child, my mother always used to take my sister and me with her in the bath and she would shower us together and of course sometimes she would take us to the bath with her. We never had a problem with that, until one day that I was actually curious about the body of my mother, in terms of seeing the difference between her body and mine I touched her body in her genitals simply in an act of “exploration” if you will, but she took that very personally and actually slapped me for doing it, and then she told me “never touch there again“

I mean…., this is a significant memory you know, because is of those small/few remembrances that I have from my childhood, but I suspect that it somehow influenced my relationship to women…in terms that, from there, it turn into a particular “morality” around women you know? as I would begin from there to create some sort of…”diligence” if you will…, and I say this because, I mean, my relationship to women will change dramatically, in terms of…I will no longer play with them as I used to do, the things changed pretty much, you know…I used to behave with the girls as “equals”, and from there, an apparent “awareness” in relation to realizing “ok, I am a boy and they are girls” came in, but I suspect that this was more actually a “social conditioning, in terms of infusing a moral system that would change actually the way I look women”

Because the issues of boys and girls would separate, and I am not saying that the processes of boys and girls shouldn´t be understood in the particular development that each one has, nevertheless, I see this “separation” between boys and girls, as the main issue that has created in this world the “Battle of Sex Mentality” type of thing. And I could actually relate this to some issues in relation to abusive relationships of dominance and conflict. But I will explain that in the next blog…

Till the next joke…