The Journey of a Clown, Day 43, The relationship to my mother pt3

This blog is a continuation from the following posts:

https://thejourneyofaclownwithoutasmiletolife.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/the-journey-of-a-clown-day-41-my-relationship-to-my-mother/

https://thejourneyofaclownwithoutasmiletolife.wordpress.com/2014/11/29/the-journey-of-a-clown-day-42-the-relationship-to-my-mother-pt2/

Another event that took place in relation to this… “awareness”, was a particular event in relation to the… you could essentially say the “discovery of my sexuality”, and this was the day that I got to know masturbation, which was something that happened much later in my life from that first event when I was taking a bath with my mother and my sister.

It´s, fascinating to see how I grew up into this idea in which my relationship with boys and girls will change so dramatically, in terms that I would be now in my way/my path of becoming a “male”, I mean, I can´t deny that I actually remain quite curious about the “private areas” of the women. And it´s also interesting when you see it in terms of the experience of “shame” that manifests when one grows into religious contexts, like it was within my house and my mother being “my introduction into religion…” (metaphorically speaking)

I say “introduction to religion” because it was from that event, that the very experience “shame” would become “possible”, I mean in terms of how it fits into the entire speech of religions in relation to sex and sexuality, and specially “masturbation”, and I mean, I don´t pretend to blame my mother, she only did what she believed that was the best for me (even when I can´t see or understand how a religion is supposed to assist and support you but… anyway) and at the same time, it was exactly the same that she grew up learning.

So…getting to the issue:

When I had my first contact with masturbation I had around of 9-10 years old. I was on the classroom and I was writing in my bench a few exercises that the teacher left us, and… I am not sure of how I move myself that my pants began to rub my pelvic area and so as I was experiencing that rubbing.

I began to experience like a form of comfort and a form of energy as pleasure and enjoyment for that movement that I was doing, and so I began to just move myself while I was in my bench, and so I keep doing that for a while till I ejaculate, and I mean, I didn´t knew what was what I did, I simply knew that it happened while doing that movement on the bench,and I found the experience to be so unexpectedly sublime that, I mean, I couldn´t relate anything bad to it yet…

And so at the next day I did it again, and the next day and the next day. It became like something that I would do everytime that I were in my bench, and here also it´s important to understand that I didn´t had an association of pictures or words to it; it was something very natural for me, and I mean, it´s interesting that the blame would only present once that I associated this experience towards the picture of “women”, which was also later on in my life… but I would get to that later.

I only experienced something similar one time; now understand that this event was before I got to know masturbation but was at the same time “after the experience with my mother in the shower” so in this particular experience I had around 6 years… I canpt remember quite well but anyway.

One day in which my cousin and I were playing together, and, I mean, we grew together seeing us naked when we used to take baths together or play together, so we didn´t had like “shame of being naked in front of each other” and so one day, we were playing on my room, and my cousin asked me if I knew what it means to “make love”, I answered that I didn´t and she told me that she wanted to play to that, so we went to a room in my house, and I remember that we even leave the door of the room open… so, we actually didn´t believed or thinked that we were doing something “bad” you know?

She first told me to kiss her, and she would show me how to do it, lol, and it´s funny because I would ask her “where did you learn this?” and she told me “from a movie”, lol.

So, we were kissing each other and in that kiss, I was able to feel her lips and her tongue rubbing my lips and my tongue; I had a weird sensation within myself, like such a comfort of sharing myself physically as we were kissing each other, and then she told me that I had to pull down my pants and I had to “place it” in her legs, so I did it, but, LOL what we didn´t knew is that we were supposed to “make contact between the penis and the vagina…”, LOL, so it was actually more like me being in front of her in some sort of a hug while being naked

I told her that I didn´t care about “make love”, that what I preferred was to kiss her, and I mean, we only were “playing” it was something fun, because we didn´t had to hide or to “take it personally” in any way whatsoever because it was just “free”, and understand that by free I mean that there was no attachments to it, from the perspective that it was fun, but not something “important”, and that is the most similar experience that I had with my first experience of masturbation, because what I can remember of masturbation and the orgasm was that for me it was like simply the moment in which I was like at one point of getting to know our bodies.

Now, we didn´t saw that my mother was actually seeing everything, and later on, that same day, my parents had a conversation with me, and they told me that again: “I shouldn´t do this things, that I should respect my cousin” and for me this was quite strange you know? Because I didn´t understood where was the point in which we were apparently doing something “bad or disrespectful with each other”, and well, from there the parents of my cousin also spoke with her, and from that day… we never shared ourselves again, and by this I mean not only physically of course but intimately, in terms that, you know, the things that we would usually share with each other like conversations and so on, because now “it would become “things of girls” that only were able to be shared between girls”, and obviously  we never took baths together ever again.

I mean, I can understand if you feel this to be “weird or something”, but I mean, maybe you should ask yourself: “Why is it normal for you to experience this “weirdness” that apparently makes you “distinguish” what is “good from what is bad”, LOL and I mean, of course with this I am not saying: “you know what? Fuck everything, let´s go and have sex with our cousins and so on” No… what I mean is that, maybe we should understand how is it that “we learn” such concepts as “good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative”.

In the next post I will continue with how and why this was relevant in my life in my relationships and interactions with women.

Till the next joke

The Journey of a Clown, Day 42, The Relationship to my Mother pt2

Ok, so, I am continuing from my last post:

The Journey of a Clown, Day 41, My Relationship to my Mother…

Now, this “awareness” that I am speaking about from my last post, actually came gradually with a series of events that I will be sharing here, very personal events that took place in my life, and I somehow feel quite confident to share them, cause, you know, maybe it will be helpful for someone, but anyway…

After that moment where my mother slapped me and said: “never touch there again”, it came a particular point of relationship with my sister and some cousins that used to come to play with us; we grew together sharing many things, like the baths for example, some times they would stay to sleep in our house, and in the morning we will take a bath all together. Of course, and remember, I didn´t had any idea towards the body of my cousins or my sister in any way whatsoever, I actually just saw another human being, and I am pretty much aware of those days, the picture and the experience was only of having fun together, so if you have any experience or idea about what I am speaking here, understand, you are seeing yourself, not me, your ideas, not mine.

And yes, we actually sometimes will explore each other bodies, but again, without having a particular experience towards it, and nevertheless, from that experience with my mother, something would happen, and hat is that I will stop to taking baths with my sister or my cousins for example, it began the “separation” between males and females, and that was quite a hit in my life, so to speak, because in a family where you have two sisters, your mother and your father that you almost never see, I felt kinda lonely, because most of the things that I used to do with my sisters, now will become “things of girls” you know?, and there were little “things of boys” that I could do alone by myself, one of them, was that I would watch my favorite books of animals and some documentaries that I would watch like a 100 hundred times, also about animals, and some cartoons…, in those moments sometimes I will be with my sister and my cousins, because it was like “more acceptable to watch movies together”, but not to play with them, as much of the things that they did, was again (and excuse my redundancy) “things of girls”.

Now, I insist, I don´t say that boys and girls shouldn´t have their particular development as “boys or girls”, nevertheless, something that I consider quite significant, is the fact that, with this so called “awareness of my sexuality” it also came the moral and ethical dynamics of behaving like a “boy with the girls”, which was in way like: “making of the people that I firstly saw as equals” inferior…, and by inferior I mean that, now I will have to be the though guy and that kind of things, yet, I pretty much remember when my parents would tell me that I had to “protect my sister and my cousins”, and when it came to the moments where they would actually want me to protect them, I was like, actually scared of “having to fight” with other guys, and of course… its interesting, now I remember an event that took place, in which  this situation was taking place in that a boy was like being nasty with my cousins and my sisters, they would then come with me and ask me to defend them, but once that I went with that child, he punched me and I began to cry, then I went away and I told them “never ask me to do such things again, I can´t protect you!”. lol, the tears want to come out…, anyway.

LOL, its fascintating, now I can see why is it that throughout my life I always felt so weak, just from this moment, and I would actually see myself as “less than a male”, you know, this is the kind of things that lead me throughout my life to try to “create myself” as the guy that I am now, in which I tried to become strong, and adapt the picture of myself to that of a though guy…, the aspirations and ideals of what we apparently want to become, whether we are males or females, comes from things like this, and everything because of this apparent need of preserving such cultural values of having to apparently making the males to be tough and strong and fight and protect and what not… and yeah…, maybe I am acting like a Clown now, I don´t know, maybe at the end this is just another joke, or you know, it WILL BECOME A JOKE, once that I can find the sense on it, and can laugh about it, but that is a process, as I said quite some time ago, making jokes is not as easy as it seems.

I will write forgiveness over this point in my next post.

till the next joke

The Journey of a Clown, Day 41, My Relationship to my Mother…

It has been a long time since the last time that I wrote here…, and I apologize about that, I was a little bit lost, so to speak, not a good joke from those that you would accept from yourself…but any way…

The reason why I decided to write today is because an awesome blog brought one memory from my childhood that I regarded as “very private”, nevertheless, I believed that is really interesting to use the word “intimate and private” to justify why we as humanity have secluded ourselves…you know? What is that which we are affraid of telling to the people?

Is like when you make a bad joke you know? after that nothing is the same, because you believe that no one will ever like your jokes again, but is interesting that when you tell them to yourself, you actually laugh a lot, and you like wonder within yourself why I don´t tell them to other people? But you know, you kind of remember “Oh…sure…it´s because no one will like my jokes”, you know what I mean?

So, I was reading this awesome blog, (http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.mx/2014/11/day-62-trust-in-parent-part-1.html), and this memory came up from my mind…, Oh god…, this was so…let´s call it deep…cause its like one of those memories that you kind of believe that is “normal” you know, in terms of believing that is normal when your parents slap you or hit you for doing something wrong, and you grow up actually believing that what you did was wrong…, until you accept it, and you return to this particular memory in the future and you think “well yes, it was normal because it´s wrong to do this things” you know what I mean?

So, to understand what I am about to write I suggest you to first read the blog that I am talking about, otherwise there will only be conflict…

“When I was a child, my mother always used to take my sister and me with her in the bath and she would shower us together and of course sometimes she would take us to the bath with her. We never had a problem with that, until one day that I was actually curious about the body of my mother, in terms of seeing the difference between her body and mine I touched her body in her genitals simply in an act of “exploration” if you will, but she took that very personally and actually slapped me for doing it, and then she told me “never touch there again“

I mean…., this is a significant memory you know, because is of those small/few remembrances that I have from my childhood, but I suspect that it somehow influenced my relationship to women…in terms that, from there, it turn into a particular “morality” around women you know? as I would begin from there to create some sort of…”diligence” if you will…, and I say this because, I mean, my relationship to women will change dramatically, in terms of…I will no longer play with them as I used to do, the things changed pretty much, you know…I used to behave with the girls as “equals”, and from there, an apparent “awareness” in relation to realizing “ok, I am a boy and they are girls” came in, but I suspect that this was more actually a “social conditioning, in terms of infusing a moral system that would change actually the way I look women”

Because the issues of boys and girls would separate, and I am not saying that the processes of boys and girls shouldn´t be understood in the particular development that each one has, nevertheless, I see this “separation” between boys and girls, as the main issue that has created in this world the “Battle of Sex Mentality” type of thing. And I could actually relate this to some issues in relation to abusive relationships of dominance and conflict. But I will explain that in the next blog…

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown, day 40 Parental Education before Child Control.

I was reading a Woman´s Journey to Life blog, which is the Blog of Maya in a blog series that she is walking with regards to the relationship between parents and their children.

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/who-is-responsible-for-our-children.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/is-zoo-educational-experience-for.html

mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-santa-claus-conspiracy-can-child.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/rejection-as-parental-control-day-335.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/rejections-as-parental-authority-day-336.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/03/does-education-system-prepare-children.html

Now, there was an interesting point that came out in one of her blogs, with a person making a comment in regards to the authority that the parent apparently most have “over the child”, because then the child would not obey and they would essentially not do what the parent want the child to do

And there was an answer from Maya going something like this: Within the context of the Comment above, it is implied that the child isn’t equal and cannot be equal to their parents which is bizarre if one would look at it because: didn’t the child come from the Flesh of their parents and thus, on a physical level, is equal to and one as the parent? So then thus, what separate the child from the Parent is the Belief that the child isn’t equal to the parent so that the parent could superimpose their authority onto the child without realizing that this type of authority is abusive. Why?

And I would also like to share a point of view in regards to this particular subject of the “parents authority”.

I remember being scolded by my parents when I was a child, and I also remember that my parents would not have to give me any explanation (apparently) in regards to what I was doing, because my mother would not like to “deal with me” when she gave me a reason for why I shouldn´t do this or that, because one as a child, is actually very aware of the situation.

I would like to take the point that Maya did in regards to children being actually the reflection of ourselves, part of our flesh

Do you remember that, when the authority of your parents came in, with regards to a situation, they would say something like, “I do this because I love you” or “you would understand it when you have your own children”…you know, there is something interesting here on the statements made by the parents, its like “you should be grateful for what I am doing”, yet, hasn´t been said that our children are a gift? that they are our reason and purpose to live? Isn´t that who we are?

Then, if a child has not been a gift that you are giving to yourself, and essentially one is stating that “OH NO, I MUST HAVE CONTROL OVER MY CHILDREN”, I can then assume that any parent stating again such bullshit is essentially stating that him/her doesn´t love their children unconditionally and is a potential threat to the child growing… is that what should I consider? Hey?

Do you know the size of the mother and father cells? the child, A HUMAN BEING, is (almost) growing from nothing, to become what we are seeing in this physical reality, how many cells are actually been given unconditionally to the development of a physical body to each and every single one of us? they are our flesh and then we dare to claim that what we have given to our child’s unconditionally is not a gift (as their physical bodies) but an emotional blackmail that we use saying: “I am your father“, “I am your creator”, “I know more than you”, really? Are you aware of what it is that you have created as your child, Oh great creator? Are you aware of what we have done to this existence due to the failure of parent development with each and every single one of us for generations?

A parent that is not willing to give to himself the value of life, the gift of creation (that is our children) should vote for a global birth control, that ensures that only those willing to take responsibility for life in this world, do it, as they are making the most important compromise with the re-education of the human being in this world, with the real change that this world actually deserves, as it has given unconditionally each and evey single of the nutrients that we take so inconsiderately to each and every single one of us. Want to know how to be a real parent? Learn from the earth, learn from life before you dare to grow up a child and pretend so ignorantly to know more than life!

Oh, but there is a justification isn´t it? No one is shown or teached how to be a parent. That is going to change, the education for all of those who want to be parents, and that don’t just grow children as an “accident of the nights of passion” (not disregarding all of the accidents for condom rupture and mind control playing out that impulses one to “search for one owns wants, needs, desires”). If we expect someone to take responsibility for us, who would take responsibility for our children?

Vote: Equal Money Capitalism

SHOW THAT YOU DO CARE! IF YOU ARE ABLE TO READ THIS MESSAGE THERE IS NO EXCUSE, TO SAY I DIDN´T KNEW ABOUT CONTRACEPTIVE METHODS AND DID NOT KNEW THE SOLUTION TO THIS WORLD.

equalmoney.org

desteni.org

desteniiprocess.com

The Journey of a Clown, day 39 Self Honesty

Today I am going to write a little bit about self honesty and what does self honesty has been during my process.

I believed that Self Honesty was the result of the application of the tools of self forgiveness, Self Writing, Breath, Common sense, yet, something quite interesting became quite obvious as I begun to notice how I was falling from my commitment over and over again.

To do the process means nothing if the starting point is self dishonest, you know, I created the idea and construct that, what I am was the knowledge and information that I was getting from the application of the tools, or the knowledge from the interviews from the portal and so on, but what was really interesting is that, all of that became meaningless in the moment that I begun to ask to myself “is this all there is”?

And then I begun to write, but this time, in a different way, this was a new commitment that I did with myself, the simple act of writing, expressing and LISTENING TO MYSELF, seeing in my words what I was accepting and allowing.

Then what I notice, was the inner pain and anxiety within my body, and I saw my pain and my anxiety, and I could saw why was that I had the pain, the origin of my pain and my anxiety, the search for energy that was just reflecting to me the obvious addiction to energy.

The biggest mistake that I did, was to define myself accordingly to the knowledge and information that I was getting, and also the memories that I was deconstructing, because I had fear of giving up the energy of the memories, the fear of losing “who I have believed myself to be”, and within that, what I understood, was that to have knowledge and information doesn’t mean that you already know yourself, to get to know oneself means to see who self is without any definition or reference that one can have in regards to knowledge or information about self, I mean, the knowledge is cool to be able to allocate where we are in our process, but that is not going to support you to be self honest

The starting point, of self in every moment of breath, must be self honesty, because when one project self honesty “out there” then one is not seeing and realizing the responsibility for oneself that we actually are in ourselves as ourselves

till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown day 38, Sincerely “fuck your knowledge”

What is interesting about knowledge and information is the experience that I have been able to found within me, because it gives the sensation that “I know something”, nevertheless, ask me anything about this existence, I mean, I was looking at the form and shape of one oocyte that it has the form of a sun and then there is this spermatozoon that comes and penetrates in the oocyte and suddenly you have an entire new being, from one oocyte and a little spermatozoon to a little being, that is amazing, but somehow I created the idea that what I know has more worth or value than the very existence of that single being, and somehow I have created this ego personality based purely on judgments and on reasons for why intelligence has something more or something grater than this existence.

My life is very simple really, I just have to worry about my survival, by doing the normal stuff that I require to do, I can have some commodities in exchange and my life is able to continue as long as I don´t have any troubles with what is existent in this world or in my mind, everything is fine.

The reason why I shared this, is because I notice that I was laughing about a joke, a cruel joke, that reflects the misery and suffering of the people, and I saw something quite interesting, when Sigmund Freud tried to explain that a laugh is a non personal judgment, I mean that was “quite valid from my perspective”, because it was purely judgments and opinions about something, it is not able to “hurt anybody”, apparently.

Yet there is something fascinating about this cruel joke, that made me understand that, the reasoning is able to be quite convenient in terms of how we pretend to explain this existence, if you search for the definition of life on the dictionary, you will find many approaches accordingly to scientist and experts that say that the organism that is able to move and breathe, is or have “life”, yet, that is the same to say, that our very existence is defined by only a picture that moves and breathe, without taking into consideration the entire amount of process that the body do without even being aware of them, its scary, its scary that we have come to believe that we “know something about this existence”, and that this “something or knowledge” is able to explain the reason why we allow the abuse of another living being, is like what we are seeing is just this amount of knowledge and processes that are apparently able to be removed without any consequence, and I mean, maybe the death of someone that “we don´t know” because is not in our world, apparently, is not going to affect us, yet it is going to bring something else, the acceptance and allowance of more.

It is said that gods, created the life on earth, yet “does that say anything about our existence?”, it only tells me that one deity had a moment of real boredom and somehow decided to create his own little existence, and that apparently give us enough about our existence, when the people was no longer conformed with that, they searched for other reasons and purposes, yet, is it possible that any value or reason can give meaning to our existence when it is already here? I exist here, I am here, did I needed to know that a deity or a “higher source or force” gave me life to be alive and commit my life to that source or deity because apparently the reason why it gave me “my reasoning” was to understand that I own something that I am able to define as life, and that I should be grateful for my existence to this deity or source?

The atheist do the same shit, the value in knowledge and information, the value in reason and purpose for our existence based on “facts” of our existence…, can´t you see that you are here man?

You could say that this is only a Clown questioning his own jokes, yet my work depend of such jokes, and if I am able to question that which give me value, purpose and reason, and place in danger my very existence as a Clown because my jokes are that which give me and grant me the food, then one should consider if the end of what we know, could mean the beginning of something that we don´t know, that we don´t yet see or understand and that it could took us millenia of years to understand with what we know, because our vision was defined through that which we can proof, or see, or explain, but it wasn’t consider only for what it is.

The disregard of the very process of growing of a flower, only because “one knows how does it occur”, cannot in any way describe the very existence of the flower, or cannot give it a “reason or a purpose to exist”, yet, it exist, and is expressing itself, right in front of you, showing and revealing to you the very pureness of the simplicity that it is “to live”, to just be here, without shame of showing herself in the multiple colors, shapes and forms that is able to express. And now, lets see what happens when we disregard the suffering of another through a cruel joke, because we “think, and see, and understand it as funny”, because we think “ahh, is only a joke, or is only a non personal judgment of the situation of that being or that person”, pretending to have the “ability of reasoning”, that is really fucking funny.

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown day 37, The love dimensions part 3

Yesterday I was swimming a little bit, and while I was swimming I was noticing that I had some pictures in my mind of the girl that I saw on the school to which I felt very attracted, only by her appearance, I mean, I don´t really know who she is, in terms of really getting to know her, she is a complete stranger to me, but anyway, while I was swimming and I was thinking on this girl I was trying to place in front of me all the definitions and ideas that make me felt the inner experience of “being in love”, the first thing that I could notice, is that I defined the value of that girl in relation to her appearance, I mean in terms of “how I see her” she is just a beautiful picture in my mind.

I as a clown, present pictures to the people to make them laugh, everything of me is just a picture, and one can feel love for a picture, or feel attracted towards a picture, the question is: How much of this love is real? the love that I experience towards this girl is only but a picture, no different to the experience that one can feel or create towards anything or anyone in this world. But my intention here, is to bring a point that I was realizing in terms of all of this love dimensions, because I mean, this is only the first part of a series of blogs that I will be doing with regards to all the aspects of ones life.

Sometimes I desire sex, and I can create a picture in my mind of how I could like it, how to move, I mean, I can do that picture as special as I want, and I can also place someone special within my mind to give “more power to this picture”; and recently I was with a girl and we were about to have sex, while I was hugging her, I noticed something, I was creating the experience within the hug that I was giving her, and I simply stopped, I mean, I didn’t had sex with her, the same with a kiss, the experience has to be generated.

Now, here’s something personal that will make you laugh a little bit.

I have not had sex in two years, since my last relationship, each day I had the same experience towards the same person, then I changed it for other pictures in my mind, and at the end, I couldn’t have sex, what I saw quite fascinating is that, it was not about the girl at all, it was about me, because it doesn’t matter what kind of situation, or person, everything was exactly the same, the inner experience of “something is wrong”, something is missing, and I have believed in my life that I required love, that what was missing was a feeling, but nothing of this feeling was outside of myself, everything was within me and I was generating it.

They say that the biggest sin is when one deceives oneself, I totally agree with that, and I mean, how much of this love do I live towards the people in this world that is suffering in wars, poverty, famine? Throughout my entire life, I have lived to entertain people, to please people, with my acts, jokes, gifts, that is my work, I am a Clown…but what is fascinating is that, it is no different to go to the bathroom and wipe ones ass without having shit, I mean, is just an illusion, I am serious, we always try to get into roles and personalities to get the attention of the lady that we like, but, it is not sustainable, sooner or later the illusion collapse, why? because apparently, the love is something that comes from the people, but it is not truth in anyway whatsoever, it comes from oneself.

And what is interesting is the following, the reason why it is so meaningless, its because when we realize how we have been deceiving ourselves, we see that that love is only self interest, I placed my entire self into a picture, I lived that picture of love and I projected it to the world, but nothing changed, everything was exactly the same every time, I see parents in the street placing all their faith and trust in their children to try to make their love more real, but not even that means anything, because when the child grows, it makes exactly no difference to when the parent had the opportunity to do something about this world, the sins of the fathers I say.

I will continue later, till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown Day 36, the love dimensions, pt. 2

Ok, now I am really going to continue with the love dimensions, in the second part of this blog.

In the previous blog, I was walking the point of love within relationships and now I am going to walk the same point, in relation with those things that we appreciate: hobbies, job, money, etc. Why am I saying this? It is quite simple, really.

See, we are no longer shown by our society to really take care of our personal belongings, everything is plastic and recyclable, and it breaks veeeerrrryyy easy, I mean, think about it, one is no longer able to say that we were able to really get to know how the things really worked because it got broke and now one have to buy another because is irreparable, I mean, you lose it and now the damn thing is useless, the same thing like in relationships, I mean, we don´t like one person and we only change it for another, it is recyclable, it is profitable.

Unfortunately, this is not a joke; I was looking at a movie of the 50s, and you know what, I was going like: “Shit man, these people are fucking crazy, I mean, even the clowns in that time were black and white, where are the fucking colors? this is like invaded by mimes…”, but there was something peculiar about the people and their manners, all things were given more caring and obtained a much longer use, the same with relationships, (not disregarding the separation of the society due to money), they used to last much longer, maybe due to the matter that we used to give them more care.

What has become more important obviously, is the value of money, because if you no longer need the ability to repair or to take care of something, what is it that you are going to need? The acquisitive power that made possible the first possession of the same product, and within that, a new entire politic of competence came about, with the industrial revolution and you know the history…, a new concept came about “unemployment” and so on, and what happened with those things to which we used to gave so much time and care?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing relationships because I see that I have gave them value separated from me instead of allowing me to see what is it that I value so much within them so that I am able to create that within myself so that I don´t need or require another to be able to live

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when the people say the phrase “I can´t live without you” it means that “my system program is dependent of your existence so that I am able to function as I do”, and within that I have created fear of loss to create a defense mechanism for my ego instead of allowing me to realize that who I am is not limited by a definition or value judgment placed on another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the relationships have an important value because without them the world cannot function and without them I cannot function

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that for me to be able to develop effective relationships is necessary that first I allow myself to develop that which I have believed that I am not and within that, to get sure that I don´t create relationships from the starting point of searching for that in another which I have believed that I don´t have within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for relationships so that I am able to have sex, because I have not allowed myself to see that in sex there is intimacy, trust, honesty, expression that I have not developed within me as I am searching for it in another, not realizing that it is not possible for me to find trust, intimacy, expression, honesty in another where it doesn’t exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to care doesn’t mean to give more time or money, or “love” to another but to give it to oneself, and that means that whenever I claim to search for appreciation or time to spend with another it is because I have not allowed me to appreciate me and to give that time to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through the experience of loneliness to create within that negative charge a polarity which is the desire for a relationship and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create competition as the negative experience so that I am able to get recognition which is the positive experience within relationships as one needs to be recognized as worthy of, and enough to be able to be in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the energetic experience of being unworthy, less than or inferior if I didn’t had the relationships that I were supposed to have, and I see that a relationship is not only the relationship with one human being, it is also the relationships with ideas, with those points of value in separation of myself because, the relationship that I have with sports for instance will be reflected in the ideas that I wear and move accordingly and that evaluation as judgments that we make of one person in our heads is the reflection of the scan that we make of one person and that we define as worthy of, less than, superior or inferior, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally the words of the people when they made value judgments over me, through defining myself as those judgments in which I have placed value and worth

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the fear of losing relationships is not only the fear of losing one human being, but an entire amount of definitions and values that I have placed in separation of myself and therefore the fear of being alone is the fear of not being able to have those relationships because I have not allowed me to see that I am able to create that which I believe is in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the victim within my mind for not having a relationship which is equal to want to get attention from the people in the most desperate way to be able to hide and fulfill all my inadequacies that I have believed me to be really me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into a relationships to be able to hide those points in which I have not stand up, as all as one as equal as life, because I have created the idea that somehow I require something that makes me more than another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need or require relationships because apparently it is part of “human nature” to have relationships and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships of dependency towards other people, instead of allowing me to see and realize that I am able to live without those relationships because I am able to develop the skills that I have believed myself to not be

I will continue on this point on the next blog

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown, day 35

(Returning after my exams period, sorry for the delay…)

Continuing with the love dimensions part 2

What I was able to notice, on this exams period, i show much I got distracted while studying with the desire of sex and relationships, and I mean its quite obvious that if one is placing so much attention to something in the mind, it will be quite difficult to focus on two things at the same time.

But obviously one always go for the point that requires less effort and that implies more satisfaction, which is obviously the point of relationships, and you can already make an idea of how it went for me on the exams, my performance was bad, to say the least, and this has also been quite an opportunity to make again a list of priorities, which wasn’t only about sex, I mean, this includes also drawing and reading, and you know, all the things that one enjoy to do, and after a small chat with one person that has always been like that point of support since the beginning of my process, I had to reconsider again if my starting point within the study of my career is really what is best for all, or if is it that I have diverted my attention to other things.

I can only get to the conclusion that my commitment is still insufficient, and that I am allowing other things to take direction and control instead of actually looking at the point, which is the implementation of an equal capitalistic system to do what is best for all life, and instead of that I began to give importance to other things like survival and money, and you know, the whole point of the revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth over relationships giving to them all my attention instead of allowing myself to really stand for the solution that is best for all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy my mind with relationships and sex instead of studying to be able to create real dominion of myself within the studying of laws and rights

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to studying really committed to search a solution because I know that the implications of this are to maybe have to place aside my projects for a moment and real focus on what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take for granted that the school was going to be easy by not realizing that by placing that idea on my mind as a point of superiority I have not allowed myself to really stand and do what is necessary to be done to really understand and learn in the school by giving onto the dimensions of love and relationships

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the self interests instead of applying myself really committed for a change that will really support me and other with the implementation of an equal capitalistic system

And I am aware that I didn’t really spoke about the dimensions of love in this blog, but I really wanted to share this.

Till the next joke…

The Journey of a Clown, Day 34, The Love Dimensions

I am going to walk here the dimensions of the word love and the assumptions that I have created of the word “Love”, and how it is that I have been living it, and then I will proceed with the application of forgiveness over the assumption, the definition and I will redefine the word to live it as a true expression of life.

Today I asked to a girl if she would like to be my girlfriend, and obviously the answer was no, because I actually don´t know her, therefore it was obvious that the answer was going to be no, I mean, I would be scared if she answered yes, because it would be like “fuck”, now what the heck am I going to do? lol. But being honest, I didn’t thought about it when I did it, I was just like, immerse in the energetic emotional reaction when telling to this girl that I was attracted to her and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I mean, I already knew that the answer was going to be no, but, you know, when you are a clown, you have your smile in the face, painted for everyone to see it, you try to smile as much as you can, but you always know within yourself that is fake.

What I mean bu this, is that I had a reaction towards her answer, the sensation is quite well known by everyone, the sensation of not being good enough, and I begun to think about it, and I also tried to create like this perception of superiority within me to elevate my ego, you know, is like when you go to the bathroom and you say to yourself, “but look at this, I mean, I am a great clown and I look so nice and so cool with these clothes and the makeup and whatever…”, and what I was trying to understand is, why is it that I have become so obsessed for getting a relationship? why is it that I am thinking all the time about it and I mean, if I am really aware that the thoughts are not real and that it is only program, why is it that I am following them when I think about getting a relationship?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own thoughts in fear, when I experience the desire of getting a relationship, because when I experience the desire as the thoughts in my mind, is like I begin to move as quickly as possible to get sure of not loosing the energetic charge, therefore I see that when I asked this girl I was actually reacting in far to the experience of desire, fear of loosing the energetic experience within me, that I wanted to intensify and control, through controlling the relationship and the experience within me “apparently”, not realizing that I was already controlled by my own desire, and within that I see that love is actually fear, love is the disguise of fear

I guess that the first relationship with the word love comes from my relationship towards my mother, as that was my first relationship with another human being and she was the first person with who I used and related that word.

Therefore I learned that word and I didn’t understood what it meant in the beginning, and the way that I established my relationship towards my mother that comes from the very definition that I placed in such words, because it is through the definition of the word that I established a relationship with my mother, for example: I love my mother.

What is interesting and that I didn’t consider before is the fact that every action that I did towards my mother and every action that she did towards me, became part of the definition of the word love, and how I established my relationships towards other people come also from the acceptance of such definition within myself and how I project it into the world.

My first assumption of the word love: What I am experiencing with only pronouncing the word love, is a positive energy within my stomach, and with that comes the idea that the word is something that is good, because it makes me feel that way, it makes me feel good.

I have multiple pictures of persons that I met in my life, the definitions that I have placed over such relationships, the total definition of the word love, and it is inevitable to also remember the conflicts and the mistakes that I made or the things for which I blame those people, and it is inevitable to think that the relationships of all of this definitions of hate, or blame, or anger, also comes from the definition of the word love, because I have expected from others, such manifestation as that definition and when I don’t have it, I create this multiple manifestations of hate, anger, blame, sadness and so on, then the very existence of love is dependent of an emotion that sustains such construct, which is the emotion of fear, I mean, that is where the fear of loosing relationships manifest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of loosing relationships is actually fear of loosing the energetic emotional charge, and the creation of other experiences is the justification that I placed to not stop the energetic emotional experience, because it is really quite absurd when one allows oneself to hear the justifications that one say to oneself, it is like: “what the fuck am I saying?” I mean it is really unnecessary to make a drama around of a situation that is quite absurd

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask to this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend so that I were able to have the energetic emotional experience within me of love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I love you to my mother so that I were able to maintain her happy with me, because that is what she wanted to hear from me and I had to say it back to her to maintain her happy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word love, because I knew that I were able to manipulate the people with such word, because I knew that it means something special in the mind of the people and then I did is that I tried to manipulate the symbol within my ind, and the mind of others so that I were able to get the energetic emotional charge as the thoughts of what I want, need and desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I don´t have any value if someone don´t love me or appreciate me, and that apparently I require of someone to love me and to appreciate me, to be able to love myself and to appreciate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to love me and to appreciate me, so that I am able to ove and appreciate myself because now apparently “I worth something”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a relationship because by having a relationship apparently now I own something and I have something that is of value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go into a relationship to have control of the energetic experience within me that I apparently am able to own by owning a relationship or owning someone that allows me to have and experience the energy that I want.

Love is energy, and that energy is the same energy that my mother needed and required to be able to fulfill her personality of being a mother, because apparently, when her personality was not supported, she stopped being a good mother and I was a “bad son” and you know, there is no practical movement of that experience of love, only the sustaining of personalities, and this is amazing in regards to the point of relationships, because as I said, I remember the things that I did wrong or where is it that “I fucked it up”, because it is through such memories and relationships that I begun to form and mold the way in which I would talk with the people and approach the people, everything to have that point of desire fulfilled, and you know, manipulation – control, I justified my participation in such bullshit to have my fucking relationship experience.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear to make the same mistakes that I did on previous relationships because I have wanted to manipulate the result and the outcome of new relationships through creating this point of fear to apparently prevent myself of making the same mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by using fear I was going to protect myself from doing the same mistakes, because I didn’t really saw the person, I was just looking for my energetic experience of love and so on, and therefore what happened was that I disregard completely the other being by thinking that they are exactly the same in every way.

I will continue on the same blog

Till the next joke…