Continuing over the point of the male ego
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am not the ego of the mind
This is when I have defined myself according to the reactions that I have experienced in a certain situation, like when I have entered into anger believing that I was right for going into anger, and apparently I have reasons to be angry and the reasons are like just giving to oneself a sense of a certain reality which apparently requires one to go into anger, because I am supposed to be angry if certain things happen, and if you have this and this and that, then one is able to be happy, and when one does not react accordingly to what is expected, is like you have “a problem” because one does not work accordingly to the rules of the mental reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that it is normal to have thoughts, emotions and feelings, because they seem to be coming from me, when what I am actually giving to the thoughts, emotions and feelings, is value as the energetic charge imprinted on them, but what is actually directing them, is not me, so if I am not the one directing my thoughts emotions and feelings, the question is, What is directing them if I was not aware of what was going on within me? I mean, it should be already obvious that I am not the one organizing the ideas, feelings and emotions, because it is only once that one allows oneself to be self honest that you are able to see and realize what one has done to oneself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don´t follow the rules, ideas and tendencies of the mind, then there is something wrong with me.
I can quite relate this point to when I had the notification that my father had cancer, I mean the experience within me when I get the notification, didn’t followed what I assumed is what I should be experiencing, like the sensation of being worried or sad, or you know, and within that, what I begun to think is that I have a problem because I am not feeling something
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I didn’t react in the way that I should react when I got the notification that my father had cancer, then that should mean that there is something wrong within myself because I am not following the rules of the mind, the rules of what is “acceptable” in terms of what “others expected me to do”, my mother for instance, she got angry when she saw that I wasn’t having this experience of “being worried about my father or sad, or something” and it got to an extent in which she told me that I didn’t cared about the pain and suffering of my father, and I reacted to her words, because I was thinking that actually that was true, I mean, I didn’t experienced anything, and I wasn’t worried if he was going to die or not, and because of that I had this experience within myself of “I am bad person because I don’t give a fuck about my father”
And I checked my memories, trying to give “a reason”, a form of “explanation” to make sense of the reality that I was experiencing, and it is fascinating, because why is it that I need knowledge and information to apparently tell me what to do in what situation? and it is apparently from the reasons, justifications, knowledge, excuses, etc., that I am able to be angry, or sad, etc., now, it comes to a point in which I am really doubting, if it is only those points of “expression” that one follows and lives a certain reality, the reality is real, because one makes it real, accordingly to what one knows of it, and I am not saying with this,”the reality is not real” please!, what I am saying is that the way in which one lives in this world, follows certain rules and that rules creates a form of interaction with this world that makes the reality that one lives to be real, but it is not real, from the perspective that one have a certain interaction with the physical accordingly to what one knows of it, but it is more like, when one have interaction with something that is completely new and unknown, like when one see the ocean for the very first time, and one don’t have any form of knowledge about it, or when you see an animal for the very first time, a new specie that one haven’t seen before, the possibilities of interaction are infinite, in the way, form, direction that one is able to express towards that animal.
Is for example with a baby, one behaves in a certain way towards a baby, because apparently, one is supposed to see a baby as an inferior being that is so fragile, and you know, I mean, who would one be towards the sons if one didn’t saw them or defined them as sons? or if one didn’t defined oneself as a parent? the relation requires certain conditions to be lived that way, but it is actually the reality of that interaction and relationship real? what would be real then?
As I explore the point of self honesty more and more, I realize that I am able to snap out of the illusion of the mind, and it is like I get more into the reality, why is that?
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separated from my mind into an energetic ego, and I have gave the direction of myself, my life, to this energetic ego over the perception that I was following the ideal of what is good and keeping myself away of what is bad, as I were following the rules and norms of the system
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need the ego of the mind to protect myself, to defend myself and to protect and defend others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when I was following my mind and trying to be good, as I was following the rules and norms of the mind, I was going to be protected by the law of a superior being or a superior order in which everyone believed, not seeing or realizing that, that which has been deified and “justified” is the consciousness, as the thoughts, feelings and emotions in which I placed value and worth
I realize that, there is conflict within me, and that this conflict comes from the perception of a choice between good and evil in every moment, but always from the perspective of the self interest, that which is good for me and that which is not good for me, and I mean, if one give it a closer view from the most obvious point, that is exactly what separates me from seeing other people, because I am only looking at myself, what I want, need, and desire; that is exactly what separates me from loving thy neighbor as oneself.
But then, the question is, if I have been trying to be good and when I do something for other person and I have this experience within myself of “goodness”, why is it that there is still this form of separation? because I was seeing myself as superior in regards to the person, I mean, I had a choice of helping that person, and because I had the choice, apparently I have power and control over the lives of other people, but that is only possible because of self interest, I mean, there is this assumption in which I used believed, that because there is a “creator” then apparently this creation should be something good, but what happens if the creator is evil? what happens if he/she/it perceived to had a choice? and within that the inferiority was created within the existence, because that gives power and control over that which “have the choice”, but then that choice is the reflection of what we become towards that creator, as followers of the fear within the mind, slaves of the consciousness, the ego of the consciousness, Ego actually means soul…the soul trying to return to god, to try to be god, to have power and control…
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind enjoys conflict, fighting and arguments and thus will always attempt/try to get involved within such situations – to step forth and say: Here I am, this is the ego – come try and fuck with me and I’ll show you who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need the ego of the mind to be strong
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to shown myself or portrait myself as someone strong to have or get respect from other people, so that I am able to hide my fear that others may realize that I feel inferior within myself and that I have defined myself as this inferiority which I have pretended to hide behind the portrait of myself as someone strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed to portrait myself as someone strong so that I were able to defend myself from other people, not realizing that what I am defending is my own fear, cause I have trusted this fear by believing it to be me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust the fear within me, by defining it as who I am, as the ego of the mind
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself accept and believe that I need the ego of the mind to be powerful
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually think and believe that by coming the ego of the mind, presenting the deception to others of me being superior will actually protect me in defense
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, be and participate as the ego of the mind within the experience of myself in this world
I will continue on part 3
Till the next joke…