Now, the moment everyone has been awaiting so impatiently, (drumroll) how porn and masturbation influences my choices, from the starting point that is almost like one creates a religion around pornography, almost like a rite, without even been aware about it.
Like in every religion, you have a basis of that which you want and desire, and therefore you must establish the terms in which you are going to function according to your religion, this means, that you must create a polarity of terms and definitions which direct you towards that which takes you closer to your religion and then one has to create the opposite polarity which the negative experience that one defines around the “consequences as karma”; is not easy to create guilt I guess, because think about it, one first require to create fear to be able to have the feeling of happiness and this somehow always goes hand with hand to love, and then from love one creates sadness which is like a version of fear mixed with love, and from that one returns to happiness and one creates this form of “proud towards it” because one only tends to “love oneself” when one experience happiness, and then when one lose again the experience of happiness, (tatarara) one have guilt, and if one wants to take this even further, only take the bible and consider for each and every single fucking statement, how specific one must go to create the entire fuck up of a heaven which is completely separated from the earth, think about it, it took quite an amount of years to achieve it, but anyway.
What I really want to share here is that relation of religion and the similarities that I found in regards to porn and masturbation, which was quite a realization for me to see this, because is something that one do not consider when one has a religious basis in which you were grown, and I am referring to the thoughts, words, assumptions, that I created in relation to porn and masturbation from the perspective of how I saw this from the experience of positivity, negativity, guilt, happiness and so on, is amazing that the mind don´t store words or pictures, it stores the multiple interpretations and patterns of energy and that is why in the beginning of my process I found that I was no longer able to interact effectively with the people, because there was like this entire mess of emotions and feelings that were just jumping and you know, you react to them saying “oh shit” and I just suppressed them and I was only able to let them go once that I wrote self forgiveness, main reason why I was almost the entire day writing, day after day after week, even in the nights, I was not able to stop, till I had some support from the desteni people and I was able to stop, but the patterns have return since I stop writing and it has been already 1 year that I separated myself from being consistent in my process, and that brought consequences that I don’t recommend.
And something that I didn’t noticed, in regards to my experience within masturbation and porn, is the kind of thoughts that I had while watching it, I mean, what I first experienced was the overwhelming desire, and what I would almost immediately experience is an entire construct of justifications that were perfectly order one after another, to suppress every form of common sense, by this I mean, there was first the ego manifestation of desire, and then came the superego manifestation of good and bad, which is also the experience that comes with and as guilt, but everything was happening within myself so fast, that is almost like seeing a junkie, trying to stop himself from taking cocaine or heroine,, you know, I began to breath with agitation and you know, you feel like your blood is beginning to heat up and you just suddenly have this excitement within you, that one perceives as “just too much to try to stop it or control it”, and when one wakes up from the possession, there is already a mess in the room and its everywhere and you don’t know how you are going to clean up…ahem…maybe I went a little bit far.
The things that worried me, wasn’t so much the thoughts as it was with the words that were spoken on the porn movies, and that I didn’t heard because I was already too deep into the possession to be able to heard them, I mean, there was a little bit of everything, from gender discrimination to death threats, everything just in the words, that one don´t notice because it is like too much going on within self to even pay attention of what is really going on, every position implying a form of control and degradation of each other, and I mean, is fascinating, that when the possession ends, one feels like really shitty within oneself, but it is attributed to sex as if it is something bad, and you know, the approach of guilt and remorse and BLAME TOWARDS SEX AND THE WOMEN, which one can notice throughout history, is the very manifestation of degradation and disregard of the women in the society. Nevertheless, there was also this fascinating point of realization in regards to the polarity within this, which was the understanding of my conflict towards my entire world.
The devil is always portrayed as the desire itself, and God is the manifestation of the superego, as that which is good, and correct, and you know, the entire systematic function of the eternal conflict between good and evil, going in front of me in one moment, all the human civilization troubles, in one single point that was not solved in the bed, so to speak…
The creation of divinities around the ideology of superiority that was formed around the deification of the mind as the superiority of the human being over the animals, and the justification of evil within self to go into that possession of desires, because, if it had not been for that point, we would not be here today, this for me is enough proof of a program that was implanted in humanity, and it was surely one of the moments that I found of the most fascinating in my process till this moment. (there was only another which was the moment that I found Desteni, lol)
And I looked my life, and how I have lived it, the decisions that I have made following the desires, wants and needs, trying to keep myself away from that which I considered that was evil, the judgments towards the persons, the opportunities that I gave up, just because of this point. It is amazing that in the first stages, quite some years ago, I was trying to stop watching pornography and masturbating, and what I discovered was that as more I left the masturbation, I found more will and determination to do things that I believed myself to not be capable to do, and that only a few dared to do, but I attributed it to a force of karma, which is the principle of “yes because I am good, God is helping me and I am special and you know, an entire fuck up”, the secret is in self, not in God.
The other point in regards to this dimension within porn, is the thoughts that I had when I was in front of the women on the streets, or just looking at the tendency that we males have to watch the ass of the women, and so on; the desire in itself of going into a relationship, the thoughts that I had, falling in love, and thinking that the woman that I was looking was the most perfect thing that I have ever seen, and you know, then the experience and ideas that one relates towards every action that that woman do, and you go like “shit man”…
What I didn’t consider was that the thoughts that I was creating, the program in itself, was a reaction of emotions and feelings, and within that, what I didn’t noticed is that once that I had what I waned, is like suddenly “the love is no longer there”, the thoughts are no longer there, and that was quite frightening, because what then manifested was the fear of going into a relationship because I knew that I was only going to get out of it, in the same way that I entered into it, with lies and justifications, but fascinatingly, one is the one that experience the guilt and remorse for the lies, because one is not able to lie or deceive another, one is only able to lie and deceive oneself, and the consequences is that is one that experience the lies and deception that one has accepted and allowed oneself to be and become; what I realized is that if one just allows oneself to realize that the thoughts within you are a lie, then you are able to snap out of the illusion and you are able to see that there is another human being in front of yourself.
The experience of regret that I had in most of the occasions in which I gave up in something, that laziness that I was experiencing, the scarcity of will, was due to this point, when one constantly and continuously allows oneself to give into the thoughts, emotions and feelings, you have less and less opportunities of standing up and do something for yourself, because it is very easy to go into the reactions, and I mean, look at the “modern society today”, you have instant satisfaction for each click on the computer, each click is like just that moment, in which you desire something and you are able to have it, why would you do an effort when everything is at hand? (literally speaking)
And I have reasons to believe that the cancer of my father was due to this suppression that he did of his sexual expression, cause he was grown in the same basis that I had, but even stronger, because he was born into a village, (seriously, a village!) and my grandmother always took him to the church and you know, the town is very small, and the biggest point of entertainment is the religion; he was told to suppress his desires instead of facing them, he never faced himself, and the consequences was that hate accumulated in his prostate.
I have already told him what I discovered, but he don’t want to leave his religion, and he is not going to hear me, I was not afraid of the possibility that he could die, a part of me even wanted him to die, so that he could, for a moment, realize what he created, I will also share this in blogs to come, stay tuned…
till the next joke…