I am continuing with the point that I already shared in the previous blog, with regards to the school, I am not precisely what is called an honor student, as I were more focused and preoccupied for relationships, and it was most of the time, due to troubles with other schoolmates, that I would give up in the school, and I would always tell to myself that I didn’t cared about the school, but actually I did, I was afraid of recognizing that I actually cared about the school, but apparently I wasn’t able to understand the material, and that was really frustrating, because I would not ask questions the teachers asked if everything was clear, and I didn’t had the courage to say that I didn’t understand a thing of the entire class, which eventually became exposed in the period of exams because I will always fail in the exams
It´s interesting at the point of pornography in regards to the school, because I will be so focused on attaining relationships to be able to have, you know the fulfillment of fantasies and what not, and when I found that I was not going anywhere in regards to relationships, which was till the high school, I begun to become interested in what I was learning, and this also was thanks to a professor that I had which supported me to understand the material, and also to a human being who supported me in regards to watch documentaries and to understand physics and science and mathematics, history, biology, and so on, from an starting point in which it was really fun to learn, this will be in regards to the exploration of practical things like movement and chats about the universe and life, it was really fascinating, and I found that it was really cool to learn and to write and explore things, which later became flawed, from the perspective that I begun to smoke a lot of pot, and you know, the ascension processes and mind jokes…, but I will leave that one for another blog
The situation at home has become almost a daily conflict, due to what I shared in the previous blog, I choose to devote to research in the area of the career that I choose, instead to devote to what others prefer to do on this matter, which is to make money.
So, what has been happening in regards to the conflict at home, is that I see myself reacting when my parents point out every time that I have changed from one school to another and how much money has cost them, to maintain me and so on, and I mean, I never placed myself in the shoes of my parents with regards to that point and I also have fear of feeling compromise with this point of money and so on, because is like “I know that I will not be able to give up, once that I look at how much money does it cost them to pay me the college”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my parents speak about all the times that I have quit in the school, cause I knew that it was not necessary to do it, because I was only experiencing this laziness and I was giving onto my emotions and desires of wanting to just go away from the school and the schoolmates and all the tedious routine and so on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to runaway from the school due to not wanting to face the people around me and to face the subjects in which I had troubles
There is a memory in which I several times asked to my father to please allow me to leave the school, to commit myself to work, and I mean, I know a lot of cases in which the people left the school and begun to only make money and you know, they had their own businesses and they live the good life and what not, and I remember that in that time when I said that to my father, I was very afraid every day when I woke up and noticed that I was like “still here” and that I have to go to school
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to my father that I wanted to begin to work and that I wanted to leave the school to commit myself to work, that is what essentially happened recently on the last conflict that I had with my family, I wasn’t going to leave the school, but I did wanted to leave my home to begin to work to be able to have my own space and within that to get enough money to pay by myself the college.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to runaway from the conflict at home, without taking into consideration that I have the opportunity to slowly but surely get my own money and eventually be able to rent a room committing myself to study and to work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not going to be able to end the school by allowing myself to give up to the thoughts, this is too difficult, this is too much, I am not at the level to do this, like taking that thoughts as if they were a fact and a reality that I was not able to change
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up in the school because I was experiencing laziness towards the study for the exams and doing the homework, and the preoccupation of having relationships, and so on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit the school when I experienced laziness and fear in regards to having to study for the exams and of doing the homework that the teachers told us to do, because I didn’t wanted to recognize that I didn’t understood the class and that I didn’t asked when the professor asked if we had questions, and I mean, I felt like an idiot for most part of my life, but not because I really were an idiot, it was because I didn’t asked when I had to do it, is because I didn’t solved my doubts in regards to the class and the assignment or the signature itself.
I forgive myself that I didn’t accepted and allowed me to ask questions when I didn’t understood something of the material that we were studying at class, because I was afraid of being seen as a fool, but I mean, at the end I made a fool of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own memories and experiences instead of allowing me to see what am I able to learn from all of this and how is it that I am going to apply it in the practical reality in which I live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the school was very difficult and within that choosing to quit the school instead of allowing myself to begin to study and to do the work in home, to do the assignments and so on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that I didn’t really made the effort because I was the one sabotaging myself with the thoughts of “this is too difficult”, “I should give up”, “I must get away from this place”, not seeing that it has been me who has been renouncing to the opportunity of standing up and do what is necessary to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by thinking and saying that the school is too difficult and that I am not going to be able to pass because I am stupid, when the reality was that I was only lazy and I mean, I made my parents to waste a lot of money only due to my laziness and apparent inability to see that I was the responsible for my own creation
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to focus on the relationships instead of allowing myself to see that I was not even ready to go into relationships and that I had to focus on the school and on my signatures to be able to understand them and apply them
I will continue in the third part of the Religion of the Clown
till the next joke…