I’m aware that the sequence establish that I am supposed to write today about “the Religion of the Clown pt 2”, yet, I would like to bring here a point that recently manifested and…well, recently manifested is only an expression to describe that there has been consequences that recently manifested from points that are already quite old, so to speak.
And this blog would be particularly focused in the relation that I have with my parents, yesterday I had a discussion with them, because I told them that I am not studying the career in which I am currently, because I am going to make money of it, but because I am going to dedicate myself to the area of research. Now, this maybe doesn’t sound as bad as one could imagine, but, my mother particularly took it as if they were throwing away their money in something that is just bullshit, and, I can understand their reaction from the perspective that, I see what is that they are thinking in regards to my decision, well and that they also told me that “I am just giving up in everything and living at the expenses of their money”.
And the situation is that I have gone through many, many schools, jobs, activities, ideas, projects, that I never ended and every time that I decided to give up in something, it was because I didn’t wanted to recognize that I was not really working on it, or studying for it, and I actually gave up in all of those points, because I allowed myself to be lazy and to get frustrated with the people around me, and what will occur is that I will not place attention in moments that I really required to be fully and completely here, listening and seeing how one has to do the procedure of each and every single thing to be able to do something as it is supposed to be done, why? because I was more worried about what everyone could think about me, than what I was committed to do, to make it work, and to get sure that it actually functions.
I quit on very good jobs, and others not so good, I quit careers as the military, something in which I was quite focused and something that I really wanted, but the problem in itself is that I was too lazy to change myself, to stop being lazy and to stop giving importance to what everyone said or thought about me, and I mean, I understand the consequences of giving up, but it is something that I constantly and continuously do, over and over again, I quit and gave up, so many opportunities in my life, that in this moment I could already have my title and my college concluded, to not even mention a good job on the government.
And it is something that I used to attribute to the destiny, or to god, I mean, from the perspective that I would go into this mind creation of it being something that “is okay to happen and it is supposed to happen because I mean, I am somehow protected for having an stupid purpose made by I don´t what deity or divinity that I created for myself”.
And within this, I was over and over again blaming my parents, and simply saying, “oh but, they are not hearing me, they don’t trust me, they don’t know what I am experiencing” and shit like that; when I got to Desteni, same thing happened, they just said that I was going to quit in a few months, and well, here I am after 2 years and I mean, I will not deny it, I thought about giving up many times, but, there was something that always made me return even when I thought in giving up, which was that, I never found in my life something more real than this process, from the perspective that, I would quit in the school, and in the jobs because principally the conflict with the people got to a point that was quite frustrating, because once that I begun to have so much failures and you know, he inevitable critic, I would begun to get angry with myself and I would enter into this state of judgments and mental plots towards the people, blaming and pointing fingers and you know, like quite dramatic. like a real clown, so to speak
And I am going to walk this point of the parents which has been a point that I have resisted since the beginning of my process, because obviously it would inevitably lead me to see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards the words of my parents when they told me that I was giving up again, in anger and frustration because I didn’t want to see myself and to recognize that they were right about me and that what they were saying was actually the truth
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by going into the state of victimization I am just projecting out myself the responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed in my life to manifest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the schools and in the jobs, because I didn’t wanted to give away my laziness and my state of comfort which was essentially to do as less movement as possible, letting others to do it, because I didn’t wanted to make the effort or to even understand how it was supposed to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately sabotage myself by not placing attention in the moment that is required to be placed when someone told me to really see what was necessary to be done; within that, I remember that I was already thinking that it didn’t matter if I gave attention or not to what I was doing or to the moment, because I was already thinking that I was going to fail and to give up, and I accepted that as my condition and as something normal within my entire life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even started by thinking every time that I really wanted something, that I was going to fail and to give up, not realizing that when that fear come up in the thought of failure, I was accepting and allowing myself to go to the thought of giving up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought “I am going to fail anyway” so, what is the point of doing it if I am going to fuck it up? And I mean, I was “grateful” for giving up, because apparently I was avoiding those failures or those moments of judgments, but I actually never forgot them, and I actually never forgave myself for giving up everything that I wanted and that I enjoyed to do, and I mean, it doesn’t matter how much I pretend that it was due to a destiny or a deity or whatever, it always had to be with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I had a purpose or a deity that were protecting me or taking care of me, because within that I justified and excused the reason why I was giving up, lol, that is something that is quite common to see in Mexico, when one achieves something and one attribute it to a saint, everyone claps, but when one fails, you can also attribute it to a saint, and you know what…everyone claps, or simply say that “you are deluding yourself, but actually is quite funny, we know that something like god is a scam but we still clap to those reasons and justifications
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the point towards the people out there, when is not about what they do, is about what I accepted to believe and to think, to justify my own abuse towards me and towards my parents
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when I thought that I was going to fail, thinking that there was no reason to continue doing what I was doing because I was going to fail anyway
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and quit every time that I experienced the fear of failure, instead of allowing myself to continue and to learn how does the things really work and have to be done, so that I am able to make it function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this experience of wanting to give up as something normal and as something real, because within that I was thinking that my desire of giving up was real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my desire to give up was real
I will continue with this in the Religion of the Clown pt 2
till the next joke…